I remember the day of my sister's memorial service. I was deep in shock, so the emotional enormity of the day was not yet weighing on me. I was so happy to see all my friends and family, plus Kirstin's friends in one place. I just couldn't believe how many people came out in support of my family and to remember Kirstin. I thought, if Kirstin only knew how much everyone loved her, maybe she wouldn't have left so soon. Without a doubt, she was loved more than she ever could have known, until that day. I know she was there with us, watching and probably in disbelief at the sheer number of people who were there. I think she always felt underappreciated and misunderstood. We, or at least I, could never show her how much I loved her in the way she wanted. She was different than me, my mom, or my brother. I guess the rest of us all have a sense of humor about life and love. We make fun of each other and sarcasm constantly runs through our conversations. I later found out that Kirstin was that way with her friends, though she didn't want the teasing and sarcasm from her family. Funny.

January 27, 2009

I had a dream last week that we were able to turn back the clock in order to spend more time with Kirstin. I saw her at many different ages, at least 3, and all at the same time. I remember thinking how amazing it was to see her again. It seemed like such a simple concept, to turn back the clock. I told my mom about the dream and she said, "like Benjamin Button."

September 6, 2008

The day my sister died was extremely traumatic for me. It feels like a nightmare that plays in my head over and over again. My mom called around 11:00am, but I didn't pick up because it said "Restricted." It was always my worst fear that I wouldn't pick up the phone in an emergency when a Restricted call came up. Her message was awful and she was in hysterics. I called her back right away and couldn't understand what she was saying. I asked her to hand the phone to her friend Marisol. Marisol told me that Kirstin was in the ER and the doctors were working on her. I asked if she was going to be OK and she said she didn't know. That's when I panicked and ran out of work and to my car. She asked me to call my brother and thank god he actually answered his phone and was able to get there before me. I was half an hour away from the hospital and didn't know how I was going to make it there alone. I just kept saying Kirstin please don't die, please, please, please. I kept repeating no, no, no, no to myself and thinking this can't be happening.

Marisol called me again about 10 minutes later and asked how close I was. I was still 20 minutes away. Is Kirstin ok? I asked. I think she said it wasn't looking good and that my mom and Lucas were there and the doctor was there and just drive safely. All I could think about was why is the doctor there? She must have died if the doctor was there and not trying to save her. I called Cary and told him what was going on. I was so scared and told him I thought Kirstin had already died. He said don't say that. I could tell Marisol wasn't telling me while I was driving so that I'd actually make it there. I drove into the driveway of the ER and ran into the reception area. I told them my sister was in the ER and they pointed towards the door. Vicki or Marisol was in the hallway and ushered me into a room with my mom and Lucas and I could tell by the looks on their stunned faces that she had died even before my mom said She's gone. I just melted into them and said no, no, no. We all cried for what seemed like an eternity. People came and went. Chris Root and his parents were there. Kirstin had gone on a date the night before with Chris and they brought him in because he was throwing up and they thought he might have the same thing Kirstin did. The poor kid was crying, looking absolutely freaked out and throwing up at the same time. His summer crush had just died, only hours after their first date, at 17 years old. Kirstin didn't even make it to her 18th birthday day. I remember Kirstin's father calling and Vicki asking if my mom wanted her to tell him what happened. She stepped into the hallway to take the call and I could hear her explaining that Kirstin had passed away. I can't imagine what that call would be like. Cary called and I remember telling him Kirstin died. He didn't know what to do, but left work and came to be with me. We stayed in that waiting room for a while, then we were asked if we wanted to see her one last time. I didn't think I could do it, see her lifeless body lying on a gurney. I didn't want to, but my mom and Lucas were going and I couldn't be the only one who stayed behind. Vicki said it would be good for me to see her, that it would give me closure.

I walked in the room last and the moment I saw her, I had to turn around and I said Oh My God. That was the hardest thing I think I'll ever have to do. It is so strange to see someone lying there that had just been alive an hour before. We sat with her, touched her, talked to her. We all cried and my mom said, Amber why did she have to go? I couldn't think of what else to say but, I don't know. My mom cut a few of her bracelets off to keep, as well as locks of her hair and her toe rings. It was so weird to touch a dead person.. I remember thinking she wasn't cold, not yet. Her skin was blotchy from the doctors trying to revive her. A tube was sticking out of her throat, which is what really freaked me out. It was like a scene from a movie. That specific scene where the doctor comes out and tells the family their loved one is gone has always stuck in my head and the vision of the person with the tube in their throat. It's as if I always knew this was coming. My mom all of sudden changed her tone, stood up and walked to the other side of the table. She said, "You have to go. Don't worry about us. We'll be ok." I later asked if something had happened and she said she could just feel Kirstin in the room and wanted her to know we'd be ok and that she could go. While we were all sitting with Kirstin, Eric came in the room. He almost screamed, No, not Kirstin, anyone but Kirstin. I'm not sure why I thought he'd be proper. He'd known Kirstin almost her whole life and was a friend to our family.. He cried and cried, then pulled himself together and delivered a last ulogy. It was weird sitting there with Kirstin's body. It was a shell that no longer held her spirit. She wasn't there anymore, her spirit had already gone. We eventually had to leave the room and as we headed back to the waiting room, Lucas' dad called. I hugged him as he talked to his dad and told him what happened. Vicki told me, whatever you do, don't make any decisions over the next few days. That was good advice considering all I could think about was canceling everything. How could I go through with the wedding without my little sister?

I remember Kirstin's friends showing up, Johanna, Jenny, etc.  Lucas' boss, Shannon, even came and brought water for us all. He was sweet and wanted to make sure Lucas was ok. When we finally decided to go home, I didn't think my mom should drive, but she insisted on us all taking our cars home. She told me later she doesn't remember driving home. I called my boss on the way home so he'd know I wouldn't be back for a while. The next few days were filled with visits from my mom's friends. Robin called to ask me if I thought she should come down. I knew my mom would tell her not to, but I also knew she would be comforted by her presence. I told her to come. Ric was there by the next day, followed later by Lyn. So many flowers and food deliveries.

Joe & Paula Spooner came over on Tuesday night to talk. Between the two of them, they really helped put things in perspective for us. My mom somehow felt responsible and if she had done things differently, maybe Kirstin would still be with us. Joe helped my mom realize that the virus acted so quickly, nothing she could have done would have changed the outcome. I truly believe they saved my mom from utter despair. I could feel her slipping away and knew she felt like she didn't want to be here without Kirstin. How could one person endure so much heartache and pain? It wasn't enough for her husband/my father to die when I was 3?

We decided to have the memorial up at the church on Sunday, August 12th. Lucas said he wanted to do something special for Kirstin. It took me a little while to think of it, but of course we had to do a slide show. I had to commemorate her through photos. I worked on it for two days straight, scanning photos, putting them in the right order, editing them down, making sure all of her family and friends were represented. I handed it off to Claire on Friday night so she could put it together with music.

I was in shock for a long time. The bridal shower and wedding kept me busy so I didn't have to dwell on Kirstin's death after that first week. I went back to work on the 14th (not sure how). I made my mom help me with wedding details to keep her busy, as well. The honeymoon was the next thing to keep me busy. I probably cried at least once a day for a long time. The images from that day would constantly play in my head. I had wanted to go see my mom's therapist for a month or two, but was concerned about the money, insurance, and his schedule. I finally made the call on Jan 2nd after completely breaking down on New Year's eve and day. I had hoped that the New Year would change things and make it all better, but discovered it was just another day. I had felt so alone for a long time. I didn't feel like I could talk to Cary since he didn't say anything when I would mention Kirstin's name. I didn't want to burden my mom since she had enough to deal with and each time I would bring something up, she'd shut me down. My mom and I finally had a long talk on the beach New Year's day.

Memories

April 6, 2008

Kirstin's last gift to me before she died was at my bridal shower on August 11, 2007. My friend Teresa had asked everyone to give her the name of a song and she would put together a mix CD. When I read the CD cover, one of the songs was Knockin' Boots by Candyman. I immediately asked if Kirstin had chosen that song and, of course, she had. She wrote, "It was the first tape Amber gave me when I was little and I learned every word." I always knew she memorized every word to impress me. She was much better at memorizing the words than I.

Music was one of the things we bonded over. From the time she was a little girl, I would make mix tapes, then CDs for her. Most of the songs were pop and she loved them all before she grew out of pop and into her own style of music. I stopped making her mixes when she discovered Limewire. I was a little sad she had outgrown pop and hip hop, my favorite music, and into the typical high school classic rock. But, she still loved Dave Matthews and James Morrison (2 concerts we had recently gone to together). Recently, I was in my mom's car and heard several songs on a CD she was playing (that Kirstin had made) which I had never heard and really liked. My mom didn't know who sang them, so we brought the CD in the house and put it in Kirstin's computer. I discovered one of my now favorite singers, Paolo Nutini. Kirstin is returning the favor by giving me the gift of music from beyond the grave. The words to Last Request, Loving You, and Rewind mean so much to me. I feel like she's talking to me through those songs.

Another gift I received from Kirstin was the book "The Lovely Bones." Coming across this book was not an accident. I needed to read it more than anything. It was very comforting as it tells of a teenage girl who watches her family deal with her death from the other side. 

I finally had a dream about Kirstin in March. I had been upset that I hadn't been able to remember any dreams at all since August. I really wanted Kirstin to come to me through my dreams. I knew it would eventually happen, but that I was in too much pain. I remember trying to introduce her to someone in the dream, but they were looking at me like I was crazy. I looked at Kirstin and said, "Am I the only one who can see you?" In a strange coincidence, Kirstin's friend Jenny had the same exact dream, but hers had a little more detail. She was able to ask what it was like, to which she replied that she needed to stop being so upset, she was just going to be a crazy teen forever and she was okay with it. That definitely sounds like Kirstin. One of Kirstin's friends, Chloe, had a dream a few months ago where she said Kirstin was very vividly standing in front of her saying, "They've got it all wrong, I'm not dead. I didn't die." I think she's right. 

In early March I finally started to come out of hibernation and began the much needed healing process. I can now say that I know Kirstin is still with us, just in a different form. It hurts not to be able to laugh, hang out with, tickle, hug and squeeze her. We got the final autopsy report back in February and it was inclusive. I hadn't counted on it revealing anything, but I thought there was a chance we might eventually know what happened. Unfortunately, we will never know for sure what happened, but I have come to accept the fact that it was her time to go. She had accomplished what she came here to do. She brought so much love and life to my world and set a great example for me to live by.

Eventually I will be able to live in her memory, though I still need more time to heal. I have been amazed by all the heartfelt stories, photos and videos from her friends, even 8 months after her death. Every time I log onto facebook, I feel closer to her. I can't help but be sad that the little girl who was only 1 year old when I went away to college will never get to experience it for herself, but I know she is watching all her friends and having a blast through them. 

Enjoy every minute as if it were your last...

June 6, 2008

We had a family "meeting" exactly six days before Kirstin died. We all thought Kirstin was trying to sort through her feelings prior to heading off to college and needed to voice her struggles and opinions. She was tired of being picked on and being the brunt of everyone's jokes. At the time, I really thought she just didn't get the family sarcasm. We all make fun of ourselves and laugh at each other, but Kirstin hated to be laughed at by the rest of us. I later learned that she was the queen of sarcasm and the jokester amongst her friends. I guess she just didn't like the sarcasm within our family or having it directed at her. She said she wanted to have a better relationship with me and I promised to be a better big sister. I always tried to be closer to her, but she was 1 year old when I moved to Santa Barbara for school for 5 years, then New York for 3. I was always torn between being away and wanting to be home with my family. I don't think she knew how often I drove home from SB to see her and Lucas. I told her how excited and proud I was that she was going away to college and that I wanted her to have tons of fun and tell me all about it. We didn't know it, but we were tying up loose ends and saying the things we needed to say. I will always cherish that talk because it was to be our last and a foreshadowing of what was to come.

It is such a bizarre thing to think about. We actually were able to say our goodbyes. I can't imagine what it would have been like if we hadn't sat around and talked and cried together. I also saw Kirstin the day before she died. It must have only been a few hours after she said goodbye to Danielle and not long before her date with Chris. I actually went through her text messages recently because I had never thought of doing it before. I saw that she sent Danielle Bolduc a text saying she had hooked up with her date and it made me smile. That Sunday night my husband and I stopped by my mom's house to say hello and I didn't even know Kirstin was home. She was always in her room with the door closed. I was about to get in the car when my mom told me Kirstin was home. I ran in the house and yelled her name and she came out to say goodbye. I often think about how awful it would've been if I hadn't seen her that Sunday night and hadn't given her a hug goodbye. About 17 hours later she was gone.

When Kirstin turned 16, I told her how I couldn't believe she was the age I had been when she was born. It is amazing how fast time had gone by. 16 years had passed and my baby sister was all grown up. She was almost as tall as me, we had the same size feet and wore the same size clothes, though we were proportioned differently. We would joke about how she had "baby makin" hips.

September 6, 2008

Two weeks before she died, we went shopping at Marc Jacob's on Melrose. Kirstin drove herself over to my house and we went in my car. It was fun to go shopping with her, something we hadn't done very much of. I wanted to buy her a birthday present and I knew she liked these scarves with hoods, just like Sienna Miller had. They were almost $200, but the scarf made her so happy I didn't care how much it cost. She was worth it. Kirstin picked out a dark grey one and I vividly remember watching her try them on in the mirror. She also tried on a pair of rain boots that were kind of funky, but she wanted them for Humboldt. I decided to return both the scarf and boots only about a week later because I couldn't stand to have them around as a reminder. That was a big mistake because they didn't accept returns and when I tried to explain to the salesperson why I was returning them, I burst into tears. Then, I had to try and explain it again to the manager. She was nice and of course took them back. I'm not sure if I can ever go in that store again.