Kirstin's last gift to me before she died was at my bridal shower on August 11, 2007. My friend Teresa had asked everyone to give her the name of a song and she would put together a mix CD. When I read the CD cover, one of the songs was Knockin' Boots by Candyman. I immediately asked if Kirstin had chosen that song and, of course, she had. She wrote, "It was the first tape Amber gave me when I was little and I learned every word." I always knew she memorized every word to impress me. She was much better at memorizing the words than I.
Music was one of the things we bonded over. From the time she was a little girl, I would make mix tapes, then CDs for her. Most of the songs were pop and she loved them all before she grew out of pop and into her own style of music. I stopped making her mixes when she discovered Limewire. I was a little sad she had outgrown pop and hip hop, my favorite music, and into the typical high school classic rock. But, she still loved Dave Matthews and James Morrison (2 concerts we had recently gone to together). Recently, I was in my mom's car and heard several songs on a CD she was playing (that Kirstin had made) which I had never heard and really liked. My mom didn't know who sang them, so we brought the CD in the house and put it in Kirstin's computer. I discovered one of my now favorite singers, Paolo Nutini. Kirstin is returning the favor by giving me the gift of music from beyond the grave. The words to Last Request, Loving You, and Rewind mean so much to me. I feel like she's talking to me through those songs.
Another gift I received from Kirstin was the book "The Lovely Bones." Coming across this book was not an accident. I needed to read it more than anything. It was very comforting as it tells of a teenage girl who watches her family deal with her death from the other side.
I finally had a dream about Kirstin in March. I had been upset that I hadn't been able to remember any dreams at all since August. I really wanted Kirstin to come to me through my dreams. I knew it would eventually happen, but that I was in too much pain. I remember trying to introduce her to someone in the dream, but they were looking at me like I was crazy. I looked at Kirstin and said, "Am I the only one who can see you?" In a strange coincidence, Kirstin's friend Jenny had the same exact dream, but hers had a little more detail. She was able to ask what it was like, to which she replied that she needed to stop being so upset, she was just going to be a crazy teen forever and she was okay with it. That definitely sounds like Kirstin. One of Kirstin's friends, Chloe, had a dream a few months ago where she said Kirstin was very vividly standing in front of her saying, "They've got it all wrong, I'm not dead. I didn't die." I think she's right.
In early March I finally started to come out of hibernation and began the much needed healing process. I can now say that I know Kirstin is still with us, just in a different form. It hurts not to be able to laugh, hang out with, tickle, hug and squeeze her. We got the final autopsy report back in February and it was inclusive. I hadn't counted on it revealing anything, but I thought there was a chance we might eventually know what happened. Unfortunately, we will never know for sure what happened, but I have come to accept the fact that it was her time to go. She had accomplished what she came here to do. She brought so much love and life to my world and set a great example for me to live by.
Eventually I will be able to live in her memory, though I still need more time to heal. I have been amazed by all the heartfelt stories, photos and videos from her friends, even 8 months after her death. Every time I log onto facebook, I feel closer to her. I can't help but be sad that the little girl who was only 1 year old when I went away to college will never get to experience it for herself, but I know she is watching all her friends and having a blast through them.
Enjoy every minute as if it were your last...
June 6, 2008
We had a family "meeting" exactly six days before Kirstin died. We all thought Kirstin was trying to sort through her feelings prior to heading off to college and needed to voice her struggles and opinions. She was tired of being picked on and being the brunt of everyone's jokes. At the time, I really thought she just didn't get the family sarcasm. We all make fun of ourselves and laugh at each other, but Kirstin hated to be laughed at by the rest of us. I later learned that she was the queen of sarcasm and the jokester amongst her friends. I guess she just didn't like the sarcasm within our family or having it directed at her. She said she wanted to have a better relationship with me and I promised to be a better big sister. I always tried to be closer to her, but she was 1 year old when I moved to Santa Barbara for school for 5 years, then New York for 3. I was always torn between being away and wanting to be home with my family. I don't think she knew how often I drove home from SB to see her and Lucas. I told her how excited and proud I was that she was going away to college and that I wanted her to have tons of fun and tell me all about it. We didn't know it, but we were tying up loose ends and saying the things we needed to say. I will always cherish that talk because it was to be our last and a foreshadowing of what was to come.
It is such a bizarre thing to think about. We actually were able to say our goodbyes. I can't imagine what it would have been like if we hadn't sat around and talked and cried together. I also saw Kirstin the day before she died. It must have only been a few hours after she said goodbye to Danielle and not long before her date with Chris. I actually went through her text messages recently because I had never thought of doing it before. I saw that she sent Danielle Bolduc a text saying she had hooked up with her date and it made me smile. That Sunday night my husband and I stopped by my mom's house to say hello and I didn't even know Kirstin was home. She was always in her room with the door closed. I was about to get in the car when my mom told me Kirstin was home. I ran in the house and yelled her name and she came out to say goodbye. I often think about how awful it would've been if I hadn't seen her that Sunday night and hadn't given her a hug goodbye. About 17 hours later she was gone.
When Kirstin turned 16, I told her how I couldn't believe she was the age I had been when she was born. It is amazing how fast time had gone by. 16 years had passed and my baby sister was all grown up. She was almost as tall as me, we had the same size feet and wore the same size clothes, though we were proportioned differently. We would joke about how she had "baby makin" hips.
September 6, 2008
Two weeks before she died, we went shopping at Marc Jacob's on Melrose. Kirstin drove herself over to my house and we went in my car. It was fun to go shopping with her, something we hadn't done very much of. I wanted to buy her a birthday present and I knew she liked these scarves with hoods, just like Sienna Miller had. They were almost $200, but the scarf made her so happy I didn't care how much it cost. She was worth it. Kirstin picked out a dark grey one and I vividly remember watching her try them on in the mirror. She also tried on a pair of rain boots that were kind of funky, but she wanted them for Humboldt. I decided to return both the scarf and boots only about a week later because I couldn't stand to have them around as a reminder. That was a big mistake because they didn't accept returns and when I tried to explain to the salesperson why I was returning them, I burst into tears. Then, I had to try and explain it again to the manager. She was nice and of course took them back. I'm not sure if I can ever go in that store again.
