September 6, 2008

The day my sister died was extremely traumatic for me. It feels like a nightmare that plays in my head over and over again. My mom called around 11:00am, but I didn't pick up because it said "Restricted." It was always my worst fear that I wouldn't pick up the phone in an emergency when a Restricted call came up. Her message was awful and she was in hysterics. I called her back right away and couldn't understand what she was saying. I asked her to hand the phone to her friend Marisol. Marisol told me that Kirstin was in the ER and the doctors were working on her. I asked if she was going to be OK and she said she didn't know. That's when I panicked and ran out of work and to my car. She asked me to call my brother and thank god he actually answered his phone and was able to get there before me. I was half an hour away from the hospital and didn't know how I was going to make it there alone. I just kept saying Kirstin please don't die, please, please, please. I kept repeating no, no, no, no to myself and thinking this can't be happening.

Marisol called me again about 10 minutes later and asked how close I was. I was still 20 minutes away. Is Kirstin ok? I asked. I think she said it wasn't looking good and that my mom and Lucas were there and the doctor was there and just drive safely. All I could think about was why is the doctor there? She must have died if the doctor was there and not trying to save her. I called Cary and told him what was going on. I was so scared and told him I thought Kirstin had already died. He said don't say that. I could tell Marisol wasn't telling me while I was driving so that I'd actually make it there. I drove into the driveway of the ER and ran into the reception area. I told them my sister was in the ER and they pointed towards the door. Vicki or Marisol was in the hallway and ushered me into a room with my mom and Lucas and I could tell by the looks on their stunned faces that she had died even before my mom said She's gone. I just melted into them and said no, no, no. We all cried for what seemed like an eternity. People came and went. Chris Root and his parents were there. Kirstin had gone on a date the night before with Chris and they brought him in because he was throwing up and they thought he might have the same thing Kirstin did. The poor kid was crying, looking absolutely freaked out and throwing up at the same time. His summer crush had just died, only hours after their first date, at 17 years old. Kirstin didn't even make it to her 18th birthday day. I remember Kirstin's father calling and Vicki asking if my mom wanted her to tell him what happened. She stepped into the hallway to take the call and I could hear her explaining that Kirstin had passed away. I can't imagine what that call would be like. Cary called and I remember telling him Kirstin died. He didn't know what to do, but left work and came to be with me. We stayed in that waiting room for a while, then we were asked if we wanted to see her one last time. I didn't think I could do it, see her lifeless body lying on a gurney. I didn't want to, but my mom and Lucas were going and I couldn't be the only one who stayed behind. Vicki said it would be good for me to see her, that it would give me closure.

I walked in the room last and the moment I saw her, I had to turn around and I said Oh My God. That was the hardest thing I think I'll ever have to do. It is so strange to see someone lying there that had just been alive an hour before. We sat with her, touched her, talked to her. We all cried and my mom said, Amber why did she have to go? I couldn't think of what else to say but, I don't know. My mom cut a few of her bracelets off to keep, as well as locks of her hair and her toe rings. It was so weird to touch a dead person.. I remember thinking she wasn't cold, not yet. Her skin was blotchy from the doctors trying to revive her. A tube was sticking out of her throat, which is what really freaked me out. It was like a scene from a movie. That specific scene where the doctor comes out and tells the family their loved one is gone has always stuck in my head and the vision of the person with the tube in their throat. It's as if I always knew this was coming. My mom all of sudden changed her tone, stood up and walked to the other side of the table. She said, "You have to go. Don't worry about us. We'll be ok." I later asked if something had happened and she said she could just feel Kirstin in the room and wanted her to know we'd be ok and that she could go. While we were all sitting with Kirstin, Eric came in the room. He almost screamed, No, not Kirstin, anyone but Kirstin. I'm not sure why I thought he'd be proper. He'd known Kirstin almost her whole life and was a friend to our family.. He cried and cried, then pulled himself together and delivered a last ulogy. It was weird sitting there with Kirstin's body. It was a shell that no longer held her spirit. She wasn't there anymore, her spirit had already gone. We eventually had to leave the room and as we headed back to the waiting room, Lucas' dad called. I hugged him as he talked to his dad and told him what happened. Vicki told me, whatever you do, don't make any decisions over the next few days. That was good advice considering all I could think about was canceling everything. How could I go through with the wedding without my little sister?

I remember Kirstin's friends showing up, Johanna, Jenny, etc.  Lucas' boss, Shannon, even came and brought water for us all. He was sweet and wanted to make sure Lucas was ok. When we finally decided to go home, I didn't think my mom should drive, but she insisted on us all taking our cars home. She told me later she doesn't remember driving home. I called my boss on the way home so he'd know I wouldn't be back for a while. The next few days were filled with visits from my mom's friends. Robin called to ask me if I thought she should come down. I knew my mom would tell her not to, but I also knew she would be comforted by her presence. I told her to come. Ric was there by the next day, followed later by Lyn. So many flowers and food deliveries.

Joe & Paula Spooner came over on Tuesday night to talk. Between the two of them, they really helped put things in perspective for us. My mom somehow felt responsible and if she had done things differently, maybe Kirstin would still be with us. Joe helped my mom realize that the virus acted so quickly, nothing she could have done would have changed the outcome. I truly believe they saved my mom from utter despair. I could feel her slipping away and knew she felt like she didn't want to be here without Kirstin. How could one person endure so much heartache and pain? It wasn't enough for her husband/my father to die when I was 3?

We decided to have the memorial up at the church on Sunday, August 12th. Lucas said he wanted to do something special for Kirstin. It took me a little while to think of it, but of course we had to do a slide show. I had to commemorate her through photos. I worked on it for two days straight, scanning photos, putting them in the right order, editing them down, making sure all of her family and friends were represented. I handed it off to Claire on Friday night so she could put it together with music.

I was in shock for a long time. The bridal shower and wedding kept me busy so I didn't have to dwell on Kirstin's death after that first week. I went back to work on the 14th (not sure how). I made my mom help me with wedding details to keep her busy, as well. The honeymoon was the next thing to keep me busy. I probably cried at least once a day for a long time. The images from that day would constantly play in my head. I had wanted to go see my mom's therapist for a month or two, but was concerned about the money, insurance, and his schedule. I finally made the call on Jan 2nd after completely breaking down on New Year's eve and day. I had hoped that the New Year would change things and make it all better, but discovered it was just another day. I had felt so alone for a long time. I didn't feel like I could talk to Cary since he didn't say anything when I would mention Kirstin's name. I didn't want to burden my mom since she had enough to deal with and each time I would bring something up, she'd shut me down. My mom and I finally had a long talk on the beach New Year's day.